Road To Higher Self Esteem

How many times have you done something that you are not happy about? Is there something you still feel guilty about?

These feelings keep us in a perpetual ‘victim state’ and result in our low self esteem. How hard are we with ourselves? How judgemental? How unforgiving? How critical are we about our efforts, our looks; our entire persona? Must we be so hard-hearted or should we give ourselves another chance? Must we judge ourselves so harshly? Must we take ourselves so seriously?

I strongly agree with Eleanor Roosevelt’s famous quote that ‘No one can make you feel inferior without your consent’.

There is this part of us that determines our capability to enjoy life and achieve success. This is our ‘self image’. According to Psychologist Dr. Nathaniel Branden, ‘Our self image is who or what we think we are, consciously and unconsciously- our physical and psychological characteristics, our shortcomings and strengths.’

Our self image results in our self esteem. No human being is born with a low self esteem. Some feelings that give rise to low self esteem are- our disrespect for ourselves, feelings of guilt, fear of failure, constant comparison with others, and the constant criticism we encounter in our immediate environment.

Our circumstances and more importantly our reaction to these circumstances determine our self-esteem. And our self-esteem determines what we achieve in life.

Do you know what your ‘Self-esteem Quotient’ is? Would you like to know? Take some time to grade the following statements on the grid below.


Strongly Agree
Agree
Neutral
Disagree
Strongly Disagree

SA
A
N
D
SD
A





B





C





D





E






I look at the sunny side of everything. (SA,A,N,D,SD)
I am as enthusiastic about the success of others as I am about my own. (SA,A,N,D,SD)
I feel that the whole world is on my side. (SA,A,N,D,SD)
I do not forget the mistakes of the past. (SA,A,N,D,SD)
I have no time to criticize others. (SA,A,N,D,SD)

For statements A, B, C and E mark a 5 for SA, 4 for A, 3 for N, 2 for D and 1 for SD.
For statement D mark a 5 for SD, 4 for D, 3 for N, 2 for A and 1 for SA.

Check your score. If you have scored less than 18, you need to take action to boost your self esteem. If you have scored 18 and above, you are doing well. Sustain and improve yourself everyday to reach 25.

Now that we know our ‘Self Esteem Quotient’ and we also realize the importance of a high self esteem, how can we work towards improving ours?

Ways to improve your self esteem

Our looks play a major role in our self image. Take care of your looks. Always be well groomed. Wear clothes and colours that suit your personality. Step out of your home, looking your very best.
Be clear about what you want to be, do, or have. Set achievable goals. Break them down into hourly or daily goals and when you achieve them, give yourself a pat on the back or better still, treat yourself to something you like. Small successes boost our morale.
Surround your self with positive people. Positive people exude positive energy, while negative people steal your energy making you feel low.
Don’t live in the past. The past is dead and buried. The best you can do with your past is to learn lessons from it and move on.
Stop putting yourself down. Never say anything uncomplimentary about yourself. Remember self pity is our worst enemy.
Make a list of all the good deeds you have done, things you are good at, and things that make you happy.
Don’t expose your mind to negativity. Push all negative thoughts out of your mind. Always be positive about yourself. Keep reminding yourself of your good qualities. Do not brood over negative things. Take all that happens in your stride.
Accept constructive criticism without reacting to it. Don’t be defensive. Don’t get upset. Constructive criticism is like a mirror. It helps you identify your weaknesses and eliminate them one by one. However, any cynical comments must be completely ignored. Someone’s opinion of you is not the ‘real you’.
Accept failure as another chance to succeed. Failures are like parasites. If you let them, they will eat away at your self-respect and self esteem. We all need to understand that everyone fails at something or the other, at one time or another in his life. We should tell ourselves that there is always the next time.
Do not compare yourself with others, only with yourself. This is the easiest way to improve your self-esteem. Rate yourself on your achievements. Make it a point to filter out all self criticism. Don’t try to be like others. Don’t wish that you were someone else. You are a unique being. There is no one in the universe exactly like you and that is your greatest asset.
Interact with people. Come out of your shell. Give compliments to others on their good attributes and when you receive a compliment, accept it with a sincere ‘thank you’.
Be assertive about your rights. Treat others with respect and expect to be treated with respect.
Sit up straight. Your posture determines your confidence level and vice-versa. Walk with your shoulders thrown back and your chest puffed up. That way you breathe better and it ensures that you feel more confident. Try it now and note the difference in your self-image.
Think of yourself as the most important person in your life and treat yourself as that. Love yourself. Respect yourself. If you believe in yourself, you will be amazed at what all you can achieve.
Learn to do things for fun. Do things that make you feel happy.
Don’t take yourself too seriously. Loosen up.
Don’t blame others for your problems. Take responsibility for your own actions. Put all excuses aside.

If you put these principles into practice, there is no stopping you. So what is stopping you from doing it now?

But while you ride your high horse, always remember Nathaniel Branden’s words, ‘Persons of high self-esteem are not driven to make themselves superior to others; they do not seek to prove their value by measuring themselves against a comparative standard. Their joy is in being who they are, not in being better than someone else.’

Co-create your destiny and expect success.


Advanc’edge MBA, August 2007, Chitra Jha

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Shine Time!

For the past two months, I have lived out of a suitcase, travelling and staying in various hotels. What struck me everyday, without fail was the general lack of smiling faces. Be it the hotel stewards, bell boys, airline stewardesses, taxi drivers… whoever; a spontaneously smiling face was a rarity. Whatever smiles one encountered were virtually all ‘plastic’ smiles, which don’t warm any heart. When I smiled, most of them found it difficult to even return that smile (some persistence on my part did make them respond eventually). And then for this lackadaisical service they offered, they expected me to give them ‘TIPS’. ‘TIPS’ means 'To Insure Prompt Service'. But it means more than that to me. It's all about feeling good, appreciating good service, and good servers. A genuine, refreshing smile is the hallmark of a good server.
There are hundreds of languages in this world and a smile speaks them all, thus a smile is a universal language. It makes us feel better about ourselves and it always makes others think better of us. The people I have seen succeed best in life have always been cheerful. They go about their business with a smile on their faces, facing life as it comes their way. There is an old saying in business: - Don’t open a shop unless you like to smile. I couldn’t agree more.
Why is it so difficult for most of us to smile? Besides adding to our face value (no pun intended), a smile nurtures us inwardly. We don’t mind spending time and money buying expensive cosmetics and visiting beauty parlours, in order to groom ourselves and look good. A smile can do the job instantly and for free, with guaranteed results. A smile is an inexpensive way to enhance our looks. In fact we are never fully dressed until we wear a smile. Yes, of all the things we wear, our expression is the most important.
Smiling not only changes our facial expression, but can also make the brain produce endorphins which reduce physical and emotional pain and provide a sense of well-being. The irony is that theoretically most of us are aware of all these benefits. Then why can’t we smile spontaneously? What holds us back? Is it the effort required? Is it our vulnerability? Is it our insecurity? Is it the fear of being taken advantage of?
We spend so much time, money and other resources to learn various skills for getting into top notch B-schools and eventually the job market; while a simple skill that we all imbibe naturally since infancy, lies unused. It is something like not using the master key that can open many doors effortlessly, but trying to open the same doors with a different key each time. In the process, fumbling while trying to find the right key for the right door, and despite so much effort not succeeding all the time. Somehow no one really told us how important a smile is and why must we use it to our advantage. If some one did tell us, we did not heed their wisdom or even if we did, we seem to have forgotten this mantra. It is time we introspect, look inwards and understand the reasons for our inability to smile spontaneously.
Today it is an acknowledged fact that the day of the consumer has dawned. All business houses understand that the customer is the king. As future business leaders you can’t ignore the most powerful marketing tool in your kitty. A sincere smile opens doors, improves our mood, and that of the one we are interacting with. It makes people open up. It makes them generous and in tune with all that is good in this beautiful world. So what are you waiting for? Try it out. Don’t just believe me. American stand-up comedian Phyllis Diller agrees with me when she says, ‘A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.’ Yes, a smile is a powerful tool; you can even break ice with it (pun intended).
A good smile has the same effect as sunshine. Think how you feel when the day is gloomy and you look out of the window. Now think of how you feel when the morning sun is shining bright. How physically and emotionally nourishing that is? A smile nourishes you similarly.
Smile at every one you meet today, even at the cost of them thinking that you have lost your beans. Just smile and see the magic happen. It will be instant. Your day will be wonderful. You will achieve many successes. The people you smile at will have a great day as well. They will smile at more people and the Domino effect will continue. As most smiles are started by another smile, soon it will be a smiling world. A pleasant world to live in! No frayed nerves, no rising tempers! Just because you chose to smile for a day; and if you make this choice everyday imagine what kind of a world this will become. A paradise on earth!
A Chinese Proverb puts it very well:-
If there is a smile on the lips, there will be beauty in that person.
If there is beauty in the person, there will be harmony in the house.
If there is harmony in the house, there will be order in the nation.
If there is order in the nation, there will be peace in the world.
Would you like to be a part of this revolution? If you are convinced of a smile’s efficacy, pledge now that if you see someone without a smile, you will give him/her one of yours. It doesn’t cost you anything, but means a lot to the other person. Someone has very rightly said, ‘It enriches those who receive, without making poorer those who give.’ It takes only a moment but the memory of it sometimes lasts a lifetime. It improves your confidence, adds to your personality and makes you look beautiful. Wow! What a bargain? Are you ready for it? The best news is that this bargain is available to every one, anytime. There is no deadline, no ‘till stocks last’. It is a universal gift to mankind. Let us receive this gift with gratitude, give freely and benefit ourselves on many counts.
If you don’t normally start your day with a smile, it is not too late to start practicing for tomorrow. I guarantee that you will make at least one person very happy- You, yourself.
Co-create your life and expect success.
Advanc’edge MBA, May 2007, Chitra Jha

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Don’t Ask for Things to Be Easy!

In today’s world every thing has been made easy and convenient for us. Most things can be done at the push of a button. We get pre-cooked meals; we just need to heat them in a microwave oven. We have remote control for most gadgets, so we don’t even need to move or stretch. More and more conveniences are being invented everyday. It seems that every one is preoccupied with making things easier for oneself and the humanity. We have got used to this easy way of life and now we take it for granted.

But is this ‘easy’ way really good for us? What happens to anything which is not used over a period of time? It gets rusted, shrivels, dries up and stops functioning. Same thing happens to our body and our brain. If not used, it becomes useless. There is a saying, ‘Use it or lose it’.

Diligence and determination are two very important characteristics of a successful person. An easy life destroys these two elements. A little struggle to achieve something makes life worthwhile and important. You realize the value of success only if some effort is involved in achieving it.

Unfortunately our parents tend to weaken us when they offer everything to us on a platter (because they love us!) and don’t allow us to struggle to gain strength. An English Proverb rightly says, ‘A smooth sea never makes a successful mariner.’ People who overcome obstacles are stronger than the ones who have never faced them

Have you ever seen a butterfly struggling out of its cocoon? It struggles hard, getting completely exhausted in its efforts, and then takes rest only to start struggling again. If you were to help a butterfly out of its struggle by cutting open the cocoon and letting it out, it won’t survive, it will die. Because it is this struggle that gives strength to its wings to fly and flit from flower to flower! This struggle is essential for its life.

We as humans are not any different. A struggle is essential for our growth as well. There is historical evidence that the average cycle of a great civilisation, country or family is about 200 years. Through the courage, conviction, hard work and faith of a generation; a family or a country flourishes. In the next generation abundance and liberty abound. These are followed by selfishness and complacency. Complacency leads to laziness, apathy, dependency and finally bondage or lack. The cycle continues and another generation rises to the challenges of struggle, courage, conviction, hard work and faith.

Where are you placed in this cycle? At this very moment you can make a choice. A choice to willingly let go of your love for an easy life! Don’t ask for your life to be easy; ask for a life full of challenges, but pray for the strength and the courage of conviction to come out of your struggles with flying colours. Face these challenges calmly and confidently. These have come your way to help you in your growth.

What is life without challenges? It is like sitting in a passenger train and moving at a snail’s speed, stopping at every small station, letting all other fast trains pass by. The only certainty for its passengers is that sooner or later they will reach their destination. Such a life does not enthral me, and I am sure you don’t like this idea either. I want the thrill of a roller coaster ride or the excitement of a supersonic jet flight. What about you?

It is the people who seek challenges, which truly enrich this world and make it such a wonderful place.
The choice is always available. If you have chosen unwisely before, remember that every moment is new and the great power lies in your ability to CHOOSE AGAIN, no matter what everyone else thinks or does. This choice is the path that leads, ultimately, to the fulfillment of your dreams. Which way do you choose — right now?
So start working instead of playing; start doing instead of talking; start planning; start getting serious about your dreams. Big dream means big effort. It means struggle and sacrifice. It means paying a price. Triumphs don’t come without effort.
You have to decide if you are willing to pay the price for success. You have to decide what is most important to you and how quickly you want success. And what is this price that you have to pay? It is facing life’s challenges with equanimity; without moaning, without complaining. Taking life as it comes your way and making the most of it by the dint of your hard work.
Henry Ford said, ‘The harder we work, the luckier we get.’ I couldn’t agree more. The best musicians practice everyday. The best sportsmen practice everyday. Ask any winner in any field about the secret of his success; perseverance will definitely be one factor. Come to think of it, everything that we enjoy, or everything that makes our life easy, is a result of someone’s hard work. That is some food for thought!
In short, there is no magic wand for success. You have got to be a doer and not an observer. The journey to being/ doing/ having the best is not easy. It is full of challenges. But a winner has the where-withal to face these challenges and bounce back with even greater resolve.
Motivational speaker Shiv Khera tells his audience that there are two ways to de-weed a lawn: an easy way and a not-so-easy way. The easy way is to mow the lawn. Along with the grass the weeds will also be mowed, but the problem is that within days the weeds will grow back (faster than the grass does!). The not-so-easy way is to get down on your knees and pull each weed by its roots. The reward is that the weeds will be out for a very long time. Then he asks them, which method would they choose? Now I am asking you, which method would you choose? Your answer speaks a lot about you. Pay attention to it.
Co-create your life and expect success.
Advanc’edge MBA, October 2007, Chitra Jha

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The Inherent Power of Belief

The other day I watched this film on HBO called, ‘Two Brothers’. It is about two tiger cubs in the jungles of Cambodia. As happens in most families, one of them is the daring, spirited sort and the other one is timid and easily frightened. The entire family, including the brother, is very protective towards the timid one. He, too, always depends on them to support him and take decisions on his behalf. As luck would have it, both cubs are caught by hunters, the spirited one is sold to a circus, while the timid one lands in the Royal household. The movie moves one year forward in time, and we see the changes in our two protagonists. The spirited cub grows into a tame, frightened tiger. His spirit is broken. He forgets that he is a mighty beast (even his body language has changed). The other cub too undergoes a metamorphosis. He is a confident guy now. He walks majestically and roars proudly. The difference in their changed personalities is shocking.
The beliefs inculcated in them (by their new environments) affect them greatly.

The film had me thinking about some other animals. Have you ever seen a full grown elephant tied to a tiny wooden stake with a rope? If the elephant wants, it can easily uproot that stake (after all he is capable of uprooting giant trees), but he doesn’t even try. What stops him? His belief system is at work here. He tried breaking away when he was tiny, but eventually gave up realizing the futility of his effort. That belief has shaped his mind even though he is physically much stronger now. Since he believes that he can’t do it, he doesn’t even try anymore.

Scientists have determined that a bumblebee can not fly because its body is too large vis-à-vis its wing span; aerodynamically speaking it is impossible for it to fly. Luckily for bumblebee, it is unaware of these scientific facts, so it happily flies around, oblivious to the study of aerodynamics.

Do you get my point? The same principle applies to us humans.

Our childhood beliefs are very important in determining what we achieve or do not achieve in our lives. So what beliefs are you carrying around with you?

Sometimes we believe something without knowing why we believe in it. Such beliefs are like viruses. They can harm any aspect of our lives, without us being conscious of them. Such thought viruses travel feely through our system and affect our attitudes and behaviour.

I encounter some of these in my class every day. I often hear statements like-
I am not good at maths.
I can manage maths but CAT English is very tough.
I am from a vernacular medium so I am very poor in English.


These beliefs tend to take an over-generalised view. Some of these belief-viruses can be passed on from one person to another (just like the flu virus). This way, beliefs are transferred within families, societies or nations at large.

Our beliefs are the conjectures we make about ourselves, other people, and situations in life. These are based on how we think and what we think about.

Most of us have never really analysed our beliefs. That is because we use the word, ‘believe’ in a very loose sense. We don’t really give it the respect it deserves. We need a little help to get inside and explore. It is very important to understand our beliefs and their origin. We should evaluate them from time to time to determine if these beliefs are empowering us or not. Once we do that it becomes easier to decide whether to keep a belief, alter it or get rid of it. By examining our belief system, we can begin to see where we might unnecessarily be limiting ourselves.

Ask your self, “Are my beliefs right here, right now adding to the construction of life I desire? Are my beliefs keeping me from the events and things I truly wish to experience?”

Mahatma Gandhi once said, ‘The man I want to become, if I believe myself to be I will become.’

What ever you seek to achieve must be in the realm of what you believe to be possible.
Have you heard of the ‘Placebo effect’? Doctors give fake tablets, containing no medicine what so ever, to the patients for pain (and many other ailments) and the patients in their belief that they have been given pain killers, feel relieved of their pain.

In 1994, a surgeon named J. Bruce Moseley conducted a successful experiment with ‘Placebo Surgery’ on a group of patients for arthritis. The patients were given to believe that their knees would be operated upon, while in reality only superficial cuts were made and stitched up to make them look like real surgical procedures. To the surgeon’s astonishment, all these patients reported improvement in their arthritic condition. Such experiments have been repeated (with great success) on patients of osteoarthritis since then.

According to The New York Times, ‘The researchers found patients who underwent placebo surgery were just as likely to report pain relief as those who received the real procedure. It seems for osteoarthritis patients, the relief is all in patients’ beliefs.’

Belief is a powerful tool and its power can be harnessed to do more than just cure yourself of diseases. You can achieve super success with your positive beliefs. If you go into tough challenges, always planning to come out victorious (as if you had a right to win); your belief will turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Get into the habit of thinking big and believe that it is possible to achieve your dreams. Build your belief system by acknowledging your strengths and accomplishing bigger and bigger goals. And expect good things to happen. Finally what you believe determines who you are.

Dan Millman, a successful author of self-help books says-

‘What you believe is what you get. You get no more or no less than, what you believe you deserve.’

Co-create your life and expect success.


(Advanc’edge MBA, July 2007, Chitra Jha)

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What does success mean to you?

What is success?

Success is a subjective term. Each person has his/her own definition of success. To me the words life and succcess are synonyms. Does that surprise you? Perhaps you think that I am one of those lucky ones who has always had it easy. You are right and wrong at the same time!

In my definition, success means deciding to do something (however trivial) and then 'doing' it; or deciding not to do something (however critical) and 'not doing' it. Simple! The lesson learnt is:

"TO BE SUCCESSFUL, HONOUR YOUR DECISIONS"

At the end of each day, I count my successes and failures. Invariably, the successes outnumber failures. So I call it a 'successful day'. Since life is just an accumulation of days, each consecutive successful day builds my successful life. Slowly, like everything else in our lives, success becomes a habit.

Isn't it amazingly easy to be successful? Would you like to try your hand at it? Are you willing to be successful?

At the end of each day, make a list of all that you decide to do for the next day. Remember to take just one day at a time. Follow through your decisions the following day. (Decisions like 'shall brush my teeth', or, 'take a bath' are also decisions nonetheless. Include these in your list). Before going to bed, review your list, put a tick against your successes and a cross against your failures. Now decide if your day was a failure or a success. Endeavour to make each day a success. Pretty soon you will get used to being successful. How's that for a life time?

If you are as enthused about living a great life as I am, stay tuned in.

Always expect SUCCESS!

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